Inbox/Notes

[bajamutblast]

I won't make this prettier what are you talking about.

Notes:

- Gigaflare (March) = 3x Remaining

Comments

shortly after speaking to luca

[kingincognito]

[ It isn't often that Joshua feels as though he's outside of his own body. Only a time or two during his life, all told, and those experiences were not so pleasant. But he's certainly feeling it now, as he rushes across the Grove, following the aether of Bahamut that so clearly rings out from Dion. The only other Eikon that he can sense in full, now.

His head feels light, almost feverish, but he presses on. His hands are still clenched into fists, and there's an ache blooming in his chest, but he can't stop.

Seeing Dion coming back from where the flowers had been planted makes him exhale in relief, a shaky and audible breath, and his feet pick up the pace, nearly running until he's close enough to speak. And when he does, the first thing to pass his lips is: ]

Have you seen Clive?

[bajamutblast]

[Before Joshua even reaches him, Dion knows something is wrong. He wouldn't rush so urgently if something weren't on his mind. It's confirmed at the sound of those breaths, and though Dion lets himself believe that it's simply the result of a bad dream, his suspicions linger.

Nevertheless, the moment they are within reach of each other, Dion reaches out to pull him into those arms. He holds Joshua close, even as his blood turns to ice at those words. He steps back, but doesn't let go, shifting instead to grip his shoulders.]

I have not. Did something happen?

[kingincognito]

[ Oh, Founder, but that does so much to ground him. The closeness, the grip, the tangible presence of another person. He lets himself sink into Dion, breathing in deeply, enveloping himself in the other and letting his hands grip at the back of Dion's shirt. Joshua's breaths are shaky and ragged at first, but the more of them he takes, the smoother they become.

When he feels he can finally answer, he doesn't bother to pull back. ]

Clive is missing. I cannot sense Ifrit's aether when I look for it.

[ His fingers dig tighter into the fabric for a moment, muscles tensing. ]

Either he's in the forest and my sense is being cut off, or...

[bajamutblast]

[Between the shake of that breath and the words he utters, it isn't hard to figure out what Joshua's "or" happens to be. It's a good thing he doesn't try to pull back, because Dion would simply drag him in once more.

His chest feels icy, and aches with the chill of it all. He can't tell if it's his own loss, or Joshua's that strikes him so deeply. Either way, he hurts.]

He would not enter the forest without telling you.

[He knows that's not a comfort, so he squeezes Joshua anew.]

[kingincognito]

[ It's not. But it's also a validation of his own fears, an echo of his thoughts. Clive wouldn't have gone into the forest alone, not without telling him. Not unless he was taken there willingly, or unless he died somehow.

Joshua pulls in a breath once more, a little more steady this time. He doesn't feel steady, though. ]

I couldn't feel him when he died.

[ Blunt. Because it's a possibility. He doesn't want to think about it, but it is. But as he continues speaking, a different note enters his voice like gritted teeth. ]

So help me, if that thing took him from me again--

[bajamutblast]

[Dion's grip tightens, but not for entirely unselfish reasons. He doesn't like the tone that Joshua takes, the desperation in his voice. Not that he holds it against Joshua for being in such a state. If it had been Joshua instead of Clive, well... They both would have been in the woods already.

But if he must be the voice of reason, he will.]

Promise me you will not give chase. [He glances back toward the woods, as if he can feel the Forest prying at their weaknesses.] He would not forgave me if I let you get hurt.

[The shame he would feel, if he let the very first thing Joshua did without Clive's presence be to dart into the woods and get himself killed.]

[kingincognito]

[ The tighter grip makes Joshua's thoughts pause for one blissful moment. It grounds him further, reminds him that just like last time, there's nothing that he can do. That running into the forest like he so badly wants to is a bad idea.

He squeezes his eyes closed, and takes another deep breath. The memory of how so many had stopped him from making a deadly decision helps to take the edge off, and Dion's presence and request just brings him the rest of the way back. ]

I won't. I promise.

[ But his voice sounds soft, resigned. If Clive truly has died, he can do nothing but wait for Nene to come find him. And if Clive is simply nowhere to be found...

He doesn't want to think about that. Surely Clive is somewhere. Surely. ]

[bajamutblast]

[There is so much that's now been cast up in the air in just this single moment. He doesn't know how they should move forward. Going home feels dangerous, like they're inviting a shadow in. But if, no when Clive came back, he would need to know where they were.

It feels like he's remained still for far too long. He needs to do something. To help.]

Tea - [It's a rather rushed statement.] There is a cafe, yes? Perhaps something warm will clear our minds.

[Without taking them back to the places that Clive is supposed to be.]

[kingincognito]

[ It's... funny, honestly, that how out of nowhere it feels actually helps Joshua from sinking any further into negativity. The offer of tea, so quick and blunt, makes him pull back with a soft and gently confused frown. ]

Tea...?

[ Something warm to clear their minds. It takes him a second of looking at Dion as though he's grown a second head, but eventually, it clicks. Dion doesn't want to take him back to the house. Dion is trying to help him not dwell on it.

The gentle frown slowly shifts into bemusement, and Joshua laughs softly, not an ounce of mirth but instead something understanding. ]

Yes... Yes, tea. Thank you.

[ It may still be somewhat distant-sounding, as though he's pulling back from the emotions to protect himself and do what he needs to do, but at least he doesn't sound like he's about to charge off. ]

[bajamutblast]

[Joshua at least seems to have picked up what Dion is attempting. He doesn't know if it'll work. He does know that distraction won't last forever. But for now, he takes Joshua by the hand and gently leads him toward the cafe.

He does everything a good boyfriend should do too. He pulls out Joshua's chair, gets him all settled in. It's very gentle, and might have been cute if not for their grim circumstances.

He leaves Joshua only for a moment to place their order. Then he's perched across from the Phoenix, hands outstretched to take his. As long as he can still reach out like this, then surely it will be alright. He can keep Joshua close.]

[kingincognito]

[ It won't last forever, but however long it does last is still a good thing. Even if, as he allows Dion to lead him, Joshua feels as though he's in a tunnel. Like this is a horrible dream, and he'll wake up eventually, and Clive will be here and perfectly hale and whole.

Under any other circumstances, Joshua would have been charmed by Dion's attentiveness. As it stands currently, though, all he can do is appreciate it. It puts no pressure on him, and gives him a moment to rest. To attempt to quiet the hive of bees that have taken residence in his head.

But being able to hold Dion's hands across the table is still enough of a comfort. He gives them a gentle squeeze, closing his eyes. ]

Thank you. You are too good to me, truly.

[bajamutblast]

[Dion is quick to shake his head, even as he returns the squeeze to his hands. He takes a moment to lift one, pressing a kiss to the back of it, before settling it on the table yet again.]

I am only being as I should. You deserve a shoulder to lay your head on, especially in times like these.

[He traces a thumb over the back of one of Joshua's knuckles. It's an incredibly gentle touch, almost irreverent.]

Whatever you may need in the coming days, I will gladly give it. Even if that means needing space. [A pause.] And if you do not know what you need, then I will do my best to provide comfort.

I am... sorry if that proves to not be enough.

[kingincognito]

No. It will never not be enough. You will never not be enough.

[ The words come quickly, soft as they are. Joshua shakes his head a moment later, opening his eyes to look down at their joined hands. ]

That you are still here with me is an incredible comfort. Please do not discount the good that your presence is doing for me in this moment, and will continue to do for me.

[ He looks up, finally, and though his eyes are the slightest bit glossy, he ignores it. Pretends that they are not. ]

I feel as though I am adrift in the dark. I know not what I need. But I do know that I need you.

[bajamutblast]

[Joshua may try to ignore and pretend the tears away, but Dion cannot. He reaches over, cupping that precious cheek as gently as possible. He thumbs beneath an eye, ready to catch any tears that may wind up falling. It's like Joshua said: he's there, and will continue to be.]


Then I will be here. I merely mean to say that - [He swallows.] Grief is difficult. The arms of a lover can be appreciated at times, but not what you need at others. Whatever your mood is, I will always respect it. You need only say the word, Joshua.

[He knows what it feels to grieve. Just as he knows Joshua does. It will take time. So much time.]

I love you. I shall ever be your spear.

[kingincognito]

[ The touch draws a soft breath from him, but it's Dion's words that ultimately do make a tear fall. Joshua's free hand lifts, pressing against the back of the hand against his cheek, and he lets his eyes slip closed again. As soon as they do, a few more tears follow suit. ]

And I love you.

[ So much. So much that it makes his chest ache, emotion blossoming anew. ]

Would that you were here the last time... Please do not allow me to neglect myself. Clive was cross when he returned...

[ He hadn't taken his medicine in days. Had barely eaten. He doesn't want to believe that it will happen again, the situation is not entirely the same, but he feels so off-kilter right now that it reminds him of when he'd awakened in the care of the Undying. When he had thought that Clive had been killed. If not for the Undying... ]

[bajamutblast]

[And here comes the other hand. They both work in tandem, thumbing tears away as they fall. He makes no effort to shush Joshua, or coax him out of his tears. He lets them fall. He may not understand the concept of brotherly love, given his own experiences, but his heart can still ache for his beloved. It is... so difficult to watch that grief pour out.]

I will not. So long as you have me at your side, I will assure you are cared for. You tend to your emotions, I shall handle the rest.

[He isn't much of a cook, but he'll fetch food. He suspects the bar will be out of commission for some time, so there will be no stew on hand. But tea, and whatever he can scrounge up in the inn's kitchen? He can manage that.]

You will not be alone.

[kingincognito]

[ Oh, Dion. The gesture means more than Joshua can vocalize right now, so he doesn't even try. Instead, he pulls in a soft, vaguely trembling breath, but in an attempt to steady himself rather than just trying to breathe. He is trying so gracefully to avoid falling apart in a public setting.

Perhaps later, behind closed doors. ]

Thank you.

[ His fingertips rub gently against the back of Dion's hand. A self-soothing gesture, perhaps, but it is enough combined with the contact that he can keep himself grounded. They don't know what's happened to Clive yet, anyway. It could be anything at this point. He has to focus on that glimmer of hope. ]

I'm sorry if I frightened you before. When you made me promise not to give chase. I...

[ A breath. ]

I have not told you that story. But I would tell you of what happened before your arrival, so that it may give you context, if you will hear it.

[bajamutblast]

[Dion is quick to shake his head. Twice, for that matter.]

You need not thank me. Nor do you need to apologize.

[He knows exactly why Joshua resists the idea of crying, and so he does not press. He simply pulls his hands back once he's certain Joshua has calmed enough, opting instead to clutch both of his own. Their tea is sat down for them, but Dion doesn't immediately turn to it. His attention is focused on his partner, trying to ascertain exactly what he needs.

He doesn't expect the subject Joshua broaches, however. He's known for some time that something terrible happened before his arrival, but the idea of discussing it, especially now...]

Are you certain you are ready for that? I understand that things are... difficult right now. Thus, I would not ask you to take on an extra burden, just to keep me in the loop. [He pauses thoughtfully.] Gladly will I listen, but only if you are certain.

cw: vague talk of monstery gore

[kingincognito]

[ Their tea arriving to the table is a welcome interruption, and he is tempted to lfit the cup to his lips if only to inhale the fragrant steam. But being able to smell it from the table is enough. The scent is soothing, and Dion's presence even more so.

He inhales deeply through his nose, closing his eyes. ]

I... I am certain. It is not a burden for me to speak of it. I live with it in my nightmares so often that it has become a part of my days. I only do not speak of it because I do not wish to burden others.

[ Opening his eyes once more, he parts his lips and pulls in a breath, looking up at Dion for a moment. But once he begins to speak, he looks down at his clasped hands. ]

Shortly after we found ourselves here, we joined a party intent on attacking the enemy while he slumbered through the winter months. But when we came upon him, he was awake. He should not have awakened for some months yet. Our plan failed almost immediately, and we were plunged into utter chaos.

He was... enormous. Like an Eikon. Clive chose to become Ifrit, and he was actually able to damage the fallen sun to an extent. But the moment that I also decided to prime, that false god took control of my body. He set me upon Clive, and I could do nothing to stop it. Could do nothing but watch, like a prisoner in my own body.

[ His hands tighten in their clench. ]

It is because of him that Clive now suffers the curse. It is because of him that my talons, my beak left irreversible scars on my brother's chest from where I was made to tear out his heart. And if it is also because of him that my brother is now missing...

[bajamutblast]

You will never be a burden to me, Joshua.

[But other than that, Dion listens. His mouth presses into a thin line as he does, and his brows draw together. His expression borders on fury, but who's surprised with a tale like that. Dion's never come face to face with Suri, but he already knows enough to loathe the creature. Even still, his blood does begin to boil, enough that he briefly toys with the idea of throwing caution to the wind and chasing that very wretch down and making him pay.

Toys with it, but ultimately tucks it away. He knows where he needs to be, and it's right here.]

I would tell you to not blame yourself for something you had no control over, but it seems you have a grasp on that already. [He exhales.] But I must caution you to keep your fury in check. You are right to be angry, but if he has been able to use you once...

[Dion's gaze grows distant. Briefly, he finds himself in the throne room, watching his father take a spear meant for a monster.]


I know you are strong. So please... do not play into his hand.

[kingincognito]

[ Dion has more faith in Joshua than Joshua has in himself. At least he looks like he has a grasp on it, from the outside. Though he's far from the days where he did actively blame himself, there are still so many thoughts of what he could have done differently. So many nightmares where it was his fault.

But he won't say any of that. He won't break the illusion. Dion believes in him, and he wants to cling to that. ]

I... I try. I do.

[ He takes in a breath, reaching out to cup his tea with one hand. Not to lift to his lips, just to touch. The heat on the side of the cup gives him a sensation to focus on. ]

Beiwe's blessing gives me some protection from his influence, I believe, or at least from being corrupted again. But you do not have that protection. If he has turned me against my brother, I fear what might happen if...

[ If he gets his claws into Dion. But he doesn't even want to speak that into possibility. ]

I will not go after him. As much as I desire nothing more, I will not.